Cleansing

The other day, I was driving along the highway through the brown slushy mess that Mother Nature left behind. There was a truck in front of me that was kicking up all that muck into the air and right at my windshield. It was a dark, dreary day and I was driving to my Doctor's appointment to figure out why I have been having episodes of breathing problems. In that moment, I was feeling rushed, stressed and overwhelmed. As I drove, it started getting brighter and though it was still bitter cold and wet, the sun started to peek through the clouds. Don't get me wrong, it was not as if the clouds parted and the big beautiful, yellow sun shown down on me like a ray from God or anything. But a rainbow appeared right in front of my car; probably from the mist of the dirty slush that was spraying at me from the truck in front. The sun hit that muddy water just right and created a beautiful speck of rainbow for me to enjoy the whole rest of the way to my appointment. Some of the stress lifted for me. Through the filth, dirt and muddy snow, there was this wash of clean that shown through, making me see some beauty in all that mess; the mess on the road that day as well as in my own head.

I think I need to notice more rainbows in my days. I feel like there ARE rainbows to notice every day. But I just need to actually SEE them....notice them.....appreciate them.

The snow storms have been frequent this winter causing one school delay or cancellation after another. My children have been climbing the walls needing, wanting, demanding fresh air and a change of pace. We have worked together on more lessons of sharing, learning new games, perfecting old ones and creating beautiful works of art. There has been time to clean and organize rooms and old clothes. The boys and I also went through their older toys they do not play with anymore and picked which ones we should donate to other kids who might need them more. I felt ok cleaning out these toys and organizing. It helped me to have a clearer focus once it was done. The house was clean and organized and though it was hard on the boys to let go of some of their special toys, we all liked the new arrangement of a clean playroom and space for them to have new adventures. I think part of the process of cleaning anything in our life is a feeling of letting go of the old and being ok with moving forward.

And so, I found that I am more in tune with the process of cleansing and what it means to me, my house, my mind and my life and being able to move forward. My boys are just trying to be more focused on cleaning the table, cleaning up their Legos and the intricacies of brushing their teeth. How proud they are when they have completed the task. Smelling the Huuuuh, Huuuuh of freshly brushed minty fresh teeth, big grins to show off those clean pearly whites and the aromatic scents of cleanliness from the Sponge Bob pump soap to prove that hand washing actually did take place. This is what it means for them to cleanse, to let go of the dirt and plaque. Ahhh, to be a kid.

Last week, our house started to leak because of the heavy snow on our roof. It has been a scary, out of control feeling for both my husband and I. Water spots appearing in different areas of the ceilings and walls. Streams of water seeping through our windows and doors. Buckets propped up and old panty hose filled with rock salt hanging from our roof. (our neighbors thought we were losing our minds -- until they realized what exactly we were doing with those "socks.") My clean and newly organized office/playroom would now be a storage area for all of the items I had to remove from our attic. I was forced to go through all of the baby toys and clothes I was holding onto for sentimental reasons. I suppose I did not think I would be going through all of these items so soon after my children had just finished using them. I was going through the motions of removing each card board box and transferring toys into big plastic bins to protect them from water damage. I was on autopilot and finally stopped to catch my breath. I looked around the disorganized mess in my office and as my eyes crossed over each section, I realized how fast time had gone by already. The baby swing, the booster seat, the little giraffe that Kyle played with non stop when he was a toddler. It was all now just in a big messy pile in the middle of my office. At that instant, my heart had just caught up with my brain and I fell apart. Nearly falling to the floor in exhaustion and emotion, my husband caught me in his arms and held me so tight. Through the tears, as my laughing children ran up and down the hallway, I explained to my husband my Mommy-misery in that moment. As I think back now, I realize it was a cleansing moment for me. A moment of timing and realization. It was my muddy rainbow for the day and I was able to have special cuddle time with my boys a few minutes later.

Now, even though our house looks like a storage facility, couches, chairs and the TV are moved in odd places so as to not catch any water, pictures have been taken down off the walls and more buckets are on the ready, I am being cleansed by throwing things away. The non essentials are really becoming more and more clear to me. We all have our ways of cleansing or helping ourselves feel OK with the world and surging forward. Charlie holds tight to his stuffed hippo; "Baby Luke" and stuffed puppy; "Baby Leah" in his times of need. Kyle loves his soft feety pajamas and two pillows propped up just right at bedtime. I now find myself trying to let go of hard expectations of myself, find time for my outlets like writing, creating new friendships and cherishing old ones and of course, throwing away clutter; the real stuff and emotional junk. The sound of my boys laughing is THE most immediate way to cleanse my soul for sure.

So, we live in this healthy moment, clean of bad thoughts and negative energy. We are staying as dry and warm as we can. We laugh. We play. We try to breathe (though difficult at times). And we are here now with each other clearing away the daily dirt and plaque in our lives, letting go of the old and being ok with moving forward in search of our daily muddy rainbow.

Connections

It would be amazing to me if someone had gone through life without making any real soulful connections. I would have to ask myself; Were they not paying enough attention? Were they not ever in need of such a link to another individual? I would need to investigate further. I have heard people say "...I have enough friends." Enough? Really? What if you think you have satisfied all of the hunger inside of your heart and you end up missing out on something really profound? That is what life is about; you take a left instead of a right and boom! you meet someone you wouldn't have met by going the other way.
(a few of my favorite movies - just the trailers - about how connections, unexpected situations and people you meet by chance are so cool! Prelude to a Kiss, Serendipity, Forces of Nature, Sleepless in Seattle)

My husband and I went away to New York City this past weekend. It was a well-deserved and much-needed couple of days just for us. On the train coming home, we sat next to an older woman that I felt a strange sort of kinship with. Her appearance and mannerisms were extremely familiar to me and for a brief minute I thought I could be related to her. I listened as she told her story about a bad train experience she had in Italy. I felt warm with a sense of home in my heart as she spoke. Maybe subconsciously I needed that feeling right then. Or maybe it was her that actually needed something from us as she was traveling alone. I really believe these brief but poignant experiences are so important in life and should not be ignored.

I feel so blessed to have the connections I have gained in my life. One of the most important is my sweet husband. We both had the opportunity to move out of state right before we met. Without real reasons as to why, we both chose to stick around long enough for that first simple handshake. We became friends and ended up connecting in a way that made us feel like we had known each other all our lives. Maybe at some level we had. I am certainly glad other forces were on our side and brought us together. We have made such a beautiful life together.

My boys are a connection that I was never certain I would ever have. I mean, of course I dreamed about the wedding, the husband, the white picket fence....but the kids....they were always headless, personality-less. I could not even connect with the thought, never-mind dream about the actual little beings that would one day be the ultimate loves of my life. The connection I feel to them is the deepest, most soulful feeling in the world. When we picked them up at my Mother's tonight, I put out my arms and they ran to me. I felt such a sense of completeness that I wish I could explain in words. As a mother, my biggest fear in life is that time will zoom by and I will forget these moments of connection with my boys. They are able to sense when I am sad, when I am happy and when I am mad. They cuddle with me, sing to me and make me laugh all the time. I know when they are disappointed, frustrated or hurt and the best part is that I can usually help them through it. What will I do when this feeling of kinship is not so strong or reliable?

"Charlie's" birthday is coming up soon. In the quiet moments of just him and I driving home from my Mom's tonight, he told me he would like to have a Christmas-How-to-Train-Your-Dragon birthday party this year. He told me that cupcakes would be the best part of his birthday and would like to go to the store with me to pick out some Christmas decorations. He was planning it all out and with each thought, he got more and more excited. We were connected in this simple little moment in time and I will always cherish it.

I was tucking "Kyle" into bed tonight after we read a couple of books all together. He was so lethargic and yawned just about twenty times in a row. I wrapped him up in his blankets and we chanted together as we always do; "snug as a bug in a rug." I whispered in his ear "I am glad you had so much fun with Nana and Pepa this weekend." He closed his eyes and I thought he was just about drifting off to sleep, but then whispered back to me. "I did have fun. I missed you so much though." He said it with a little smile and a few seconds later he was snoring. Come on! No wonder I could not imagine real kids in my future. With moments like these, I do not think I could even dream of a more perfect moment or connection with my children.

I am reading a book right now by Katrina Kenison 'The Gift of an Ordinary Day'. I have never met this woman, but I feel the strongest connection to her. She is truly the 'future me.' I should have said I am trying to read her book right now. I cannot get through the pages without drenching them with my tears. (it was a bit embarrassing on the train today). I connect with her on many levels, but two of the most important are as a writer and a Mother who cherishes every single moment with her two boys. Her guys are older now and she is dealing with the realizations of how fast time has gone by for her. She treasures moments with her boys then and now. A part of me thinks I may not be able to continue to read this book right now as it brings some of my greatest fears to life. I will keep writing and documenting, but time still ticks by. I don't want to forget. I don't want to miss. I pray every day that I am given the strength to live in each moment and cherish every simple conversation without regret.

As I progress on my own writing journey as a new Hartford Parenting Examiner, a Freelance Writer for a local media corporation, blogging, writing my own book and starting up a website, I hope you all will continue to follow me and support me. I value our connection.

The Heart of the Matter

As I sit alone in this quiet little spec of time with my thoughts; I am at peace with myself. I wonder how I even got to this place. Many outside sources and inside voices contributed to choices I have made. And I think I realize now that when I actually pay attention to signs and signals, I can find the core of a problem, the answer to a question, the solution to a dilemma. The core of any situation is really what is most important. An apple has a core. The earth has a core. We, as humans have a core. As the earth spins on it's axis, as the tides ebb and flow, we strive for balance. It's our core being, our soul that keeps us balanced. But sometimes, we lose track of what our core is telling us and we can spin out of control.

My youngest son was having a hard time going to bed at night. Each night, it would be a major battle to get him into bed and then to get him to stay there. We would start off gentle and kind and end up frustrated, tired and yelling. One night, he whispered in my ear "I don't like my room, Mommy." I was not really sure at the time as to whether it was truth or fiction as a tactic to stall and get me to stay with him or invite him into our room. The mission began the next day when I decided that for his birthday, we would give him a new room. He is now excited about taking EVERYTHING out of his bedroom and painting the walls "blue and green." We are picking out curtains together and he even picked out a Patriots throw rug. He has been sleeping in our spare room for now. To my surprise, he is perfectly content in this storage-like room with boxes, an old TV that does not work and a queen sized bed next to his small toddler bed that he sleeps in. He does not wish to switch rooms and realizes this is just a transition room. This process was so rejuvenating and a good lesson for me. If you are unhappy, find out why and do something about it.

My oldest son gets frustrated very easily. He gets mad at himself, mad at his brother and definitely mad at me. He is Irish and Italian, so we certainly did not help him out in the temper department. However, it seemed like there was something else going on. As the persistent and curious person I am, I was determined to look into this matter further. I would watch him and analyze these mini-tantrums. What I was not watching was myself and my own reaction to his frustration. I realized after quite a few episodes that I was probably reacting worse to his initial reaction. His frustration was frustrating to me. I felt myself jumping out of my skin sometimes and saying "Come over here and I will fix it FOR you!" or I would state his name sternly if he dropped food or a drink on the floor. His reaction always worsened after my involvement. I sat down next to him the other night after an incident and calmly asked him what frustrated him most about the situation. He looked at me with a plump lower lip, furrowed brow and a tear slowly sliding down his face and said "when you said my name." I realized that I was becoming part of this problem and frustration sure is catchy! So after I got out the dust pan and swept up all the pieces of my broken heart, I decided I did not want be part of his sadness and frustration anymore. We decided we are going to work together on improving our reactions to life's frustrating events.

Getting to heart of the matter of what really makes us happy or sad is so important. Staying true to our core beliefs can be difficult sometimes, but when we do, it is rewarding. Getting to the core of any problem can be hard work but it has a pay off. And as my son said just the other day, "Biting into the core of an apple is yucky, just so you know."