Struggling for Patience

Adopt the pace of nature....Her secret is patience.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson









I often wonder what it must be like to be calm and accepting. As a busy Mom, I run from one thing to another; always in a rush, always frustrated with myself. I fluster over the lack of time, getting stuck in traffic, unavoidable small disasters like spilled milk or chalk dust.

I am amazed every single day with my children's ability to sit still or listen during crazy times. I realize that I cannot keep highlighting the times when they are running down the hall in their underwear pretending they are being chased by a Star Wars droid. I yell, I count, I threaten time-outs with not a lot of results. As I sit here now, I think about their mood, the time of day or the lack of my own attention to them during those moments.

Then there are the moments like recently; they each had their days of catching a virus and I had to bring them to the Doctor. Each had to sit in the cold patient room in his skivvies, waiting for the Doctor to come in to examine his sickly little body. They each sat, they listened, they were calm and cute. And on that day, seemed to have adopted the pace of nature. I admired my youngest son for being so brave and so willing to do whatever it took to get better. I envied the humor my oldest son still found in simple things like putting the puke pail on his head while he waited. These are the times to highlight. These are the times for me to rejoice in their ability to learn what patience is.

My children struggle with their own patience issues. I am positive my husband and I are the perfect role models for how to lose your patience. The most frustrating thing is when that flat Lego piece will not come off of that other thin small Lego piece! I hear screams, grunts and whines and finally little feet running to me for assistance. "I can't get this off, Mommy!!!" Falling in the driveway and skinning a knee really gets them mad. Carrying two backpacks, a lunch box and a coat can be a huge undertaking. And of course, there is always that one difficult jump that Luke has to make in the Star Wars Wii game that they just can't get right. As I said, I am not exactly the most patient person demonstrating my calming ability to take things in stride.

When I was in my twenties, I took up golf for a short while. I thought it would be a good social sport I could play that was quiet and calm. I liked watching it on TV, it was soothing to listen to and calming to watch. I knew my Grandfather would be proud of me, my boyfriend and I would have another thing to do together and I would develop another interest. I still believe it's good to find new interests.

Anyway, my Grandfather and I spent some time in his back yard with an old bicycle tire inner tube and a club they call a chipper. He would chuck the tube across the yard and I had to chip the ball into the circle. I loved the activity and especially the time with my Grandfather. I still think about it now and can see the look of pride on his face. The idea of golfing was all looking good from my point of view. Until....I actually stepped onto a golf course to play.

You see, on a golf course, the inner tube is not so close or even so big. You have to actually hit the ball towards this teeny tiny hole that you cannot really see. My aim was not as good as chipping the ball into a tire size hole a couple of feet away. My strength to even get the ball close to the hole was lacking as well. I was frustrated, annoyed and tired. I kept hearing from others around me, "You have to have patience." That is correct, you do. News flash, I was fresh out.

I would like to say it was a life changing event that gave me more strength to become a much more patient individual. I would like to say that. Instead, I just now know I am not a golfer and that my patience is lacking.

As I struggle now to find that new and exciting job opportunity that will make me feel whole again, I think about golf and how I gave up because of my lack of patience. I have more at stake now but I am just as frustrated. That little hole seems so far away and so unattainable. I just cannot get my aim straight, the wind is blowing hard and I'm tired.

Virtue is a trait that is defined as moral excellence. Is patience really morally excellent? I mean, do we really have to put that much pressure on ourselves to be morally excellent?

So in the meantime, I will put the puke pail on my head, smile and do whatever I need to do make this better. Moral excellence might be too high of a standard for me right now or ever, for that matter. But I am willing to try for myself and my family and to teach my children the lesson of patience; that even though the inner tube is really small and far away, you can reach it... eventually.

Developing skills is a skill!

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it and virtue is doing it." - David Starr Jordan

From the very day we are conceived, we begin growing. In the beginning, there are subtle changes that occur and then suddenly there are fingers and toes and other recognizable body parts. Oh! It's a baby in there! When we are born, we don't stop growing and developing; we grow taller, we learn to communicate and eat solid foods. But there is more than just growing and going along with the main stream of childhood development. There are things we call skills; talents each one of us learn or develop, grow into or grow to love. The challenge is realizing we have abilities and finding that special skill or skills inside of us.

Being a mother of two young boys, I witness daily growth, a lot of skill building and trying out new things for the first time. It is amazing what they learn, comprehend and actually hold onto in their own little skill bank. I admire that innocent talent so much.

I think, as adults, we sometimes lose that motivation for, or the understanding of, mastering a skill. We think we are too old, it's too dangerous, it's too complicated. Our life experiences of past skill building can stop us in our tracks. However, sometimes we surge forward after one ridiculous attempt after another just to say to others or even ourselves that we are a master at something. Even in the simplest of tasks, we can feel defeated and continue to try and improve upon the mistakes we have made in order to succeed just a little. We lose the grasp on the whole concept of how to actually become good at something. The other night we were reading a book before bedtime. My older son stopped me mid-story and said "I learned something in Kindergarten today. All you have to do is try and as long as you do your best, it's ok." Even now, I am not quite sure where that came from and why he said it right then. But a little piece of me thinks he was picking up on my own skill insecurities and thought he'd pass along a bit of this new found wisdom.

In my current professional situation, I am soul searching quite a bit; wondering if there are any real skills that I can offer to an organization. There are many jobs I would love to do, but am unfortunately an amateur at and therefore could not perform in a professional capacity. The skills I do have may not be able to offer me what I want at this point in my life. So I continue to research, soul search, try and do my best.

In my home life, there are also many jobs that I am still working on perfecting. For instance, I have yet to master the art of brushing my teeth while ironing. That is a skill set that definitely still needs some practice. Who ever invented the TV tray was a genius. However, they must have put that invention on the back burner for improvements, as I still have not yet mastered the skill of folding it without pinching my finger and somehow slamming it shut. I am thankful these are not important must-have career skills.

My children surprise me every day with their wonderment, their courage, ideas and their questions. All of the above are such positive strides towards perfecting their own skills. For them, anything can become a boat or a ship; the DVR, a cardboard box or our coffee table with a make shift bridge. My older son creates magnificent space ships out of the smallest Lego pieces. My younger son is so thoughtful. He comes out with questions like "If birds like breadcrumbs and chip crumbs, how come they don't like hot dogs?" and "If lightning McQueen is not a girl, why do they call him McQUEEN?" About two years ago, my older son started pushing our kisses in so they wouldn't fall off. My younger son has a memory like an elephant; he remembers discussions we had weeks ago, places we went, people we have seen and can recite it all back even if we do not wish to hear it all right then. They love playing sports like golf and soccer and using their imaginations with Legos, Star Wars figures and playdough. They are full of life and so much energy. And just when I think they are getting old enough for me to be able to teach them some real life lessons, it seems as though they are teaching me once again. I was having a difficult time trying to tie a balloon the other day and my son looked up at me with his big innocent eyes and said "You just have to practice, Mommy."

A Little Encouragement

The smell of apple pie baking in the oven. Just saying that gives me such a warm and nostalgic feeling inside. It reminds me of warm and happy times with my family, of being home and happy. There are smells, thoughts, songs, feelings and dreams that bring me back to specific times in my life. Whether these were good times or bad, I am immediately transported back just by a simple second of time crossing my path again.

I wonder what will bring me back to this time of my life someday in my future. I wonder; will it be a favorite song I play a lot right now? Will it be the taste of a mudslide martini? Will it be the Cantina song from Star Wars? Will it be the chilly rain misting on the tip of my nose in the crisp fall air? I wonder.

The future holds many positive times for me, I am sure. Many things can catapult me into the next phase of my life. In life, we go from one step of life to another in an instant and sometimes without us even knowing it is happening. Transitions and times of change can be so hard. I am currently going through a time of change and uncertainty in my life right now. I thought I would have more control over this type of change and I found myself completely opposite of that; out of control. I find myself leaning on what I know, what is familiar to me, what makes me feel good. I look for extra cuddles from my boys, winks and smiles from my husband, old songs, family traditions and good friends and family. These are what can get me through this weird time. I am needy. I am vulnerable. I am weak. I feel like I am going through a recovery period and going through the motions of being ecstatic, elated, shock, denial, bitterness, anger then finally acceptance and motivation and energy to surge forward. A good friend of mine really laid it on the line for me last week and helped me up off the floor; figuratively speaking. I was at my lowest point and she was there to be tough, loving and supportive. I was able to get up and stand up for myself. It was amazing what that did for me. I immediately felt better about myself and my situation. And though I am still stressed and unsure about my future, I feel more confident in myself and motivated to go after a dream or two.

I am dedicated to my children and teaching them about love, eating healthy, staying safe and now just how important it is to be confident in themselves. It's the memories that we make for ourselves as we go along our merry way that make us who we are. I feel so lucky to have to two young boys that I can help shape into polite and strong gentlemen. I feel so lucky to have two young boys that can help me get through my own tough times. I know there will be so many little things that will bring me back to this time in my life. Hearing the sound of their laugh, the smell of their fresh clean hair, the warmth of their hug and yes, probably the cantina song. But I know, I will remember this specific time in my life as a catalyst of change. I will know how important this was for all of us; me, my family and my friends. I am sure I will find my way and start to feel like a good Mom, wife and friend again. With a little encouragement, confidence or a genie in a bottle, I am sure it will all work out.

Thank you all for being so patient with me and supporting me. Thank you, truly. Now I am off to have a slice of my own fresh apple crumble/pie. :)