Holding On...

"Faith...is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods." - C.S. Lewis


Holding on is so hard to do in life. I mean, we wouldn't say "hold on" if there was not a real reason why we needed to grab something with both hands and not let go. Hold on to happiness. Hold on that that rope. Hold on to the past. Hold on to the memories. Hold on to your sanity. Hold on to that hand that will keep you from falling into a pit of darkness. Hold on to who you are.

In this magical of seasons, I am holding on so tight to rituals and traditions. I am having the most fun I have ever had during this festive time of year. In the last few weeks, my children have made me realize that I am holding on to pieces of me and memories that were buried so deep inside my self. And with each new realization, I find myself holding on tighter and tighter.

In our house, this season has brought such special things; picking out a Christmas tree together, decorating it, hanging tinsel for the first time since I was little, picking out a new tree topper together and then realizing we loved our Family Angel so much we now have two tree toppers, gazing at decorated Christmas lights every night on the way home from school, shouting "Good Morning, Santa!" on the way to drop off Kyle at school each morning as we drive by a blow up lawn decoration of Santa in a hot air balloon, reading old Christmas stories, watching classic Christmas movies and singing every Christmas song ever written, baking, cooking, decorating, singing together, the excitement each morning of opening up each new door of the advent calendar, hearing my Mother's voice in the new Frosty book she gave the boys and feeling just how special it is to ME just to hear her sweet voice reading a story out loud, new cuddly Christmas pajamas, wrapping presents together, decorating gingerbread cookies, putting together a working train under our tree, doing a happy dance for no reason, answering new questions and telling the story of Jesus being born on Christmas Day and most of all, being together and not letting moments slip away....holding on as tightly as I can.

With all of these happy, exciting, magical moments of Christmas, I suddenly started to feel stressed and emotional today. It crept up on my like a quiet little ghost and then BOO! I found myself missing my Grandparents and times of my childhood more today than any other day this year or years before. I sat on the floor of Charlie's room tonight while he settled cozily into his bed. We listened to Christmas carols together as he lay with eyes closed and a sweet smile upon his little face quite content in that moment. I was as well, until 'I'll be home for Christmas' came up in the shuffle of music I put on. I was cranky today and felt the stress of not having everything in order for Christmas by now. But at this dark, quiet moment in my child's room, I felt this wave of MISS come over me. Past childhood Christmas's, Grandparents who have never met my children and traditions that had long been forgotten.

I just hope that my children feel the love and traditions of the holidays that I felt when I was a kid. I hope that someday, they will look back and fondly remember these days of magical moments in our family. I get so overwhelmed and anxious when the magic moment is anything but magic. I get frustrated with ordinary life and people that don't fit in to my grand expectation. The expectations I put on myself get pretty heavy as well.

And so I should really be working on one of my gifts right now or work or wrapping presents....But instead I sit here finally watching 'It's a Wonderful Life' and writing. So thanks to anyone who might be reading. Hold on to your special memories and even if it makes you a little sad sometimes to think that the time has gone by way to fast, you will then still at least have those special times in your heart.