Resolutions

His small gentle pointer finger traced the outline my face then came around down to the tip of my nose and then back up around again. In the night-lighted quiet room at bedtime, I could tell he was building up to say something. He whispered words that I could just about hear. "Mommy, do you wish your Grover doll was never broken? Do you wish that little boy did not break the pull string? Did you tell him that he should not pull it so hard? Did you tell him to be gentle?" Out of the blue, these thoughts and feelings rushed out of my little-almost-six-year-old boy in this special moment before he drifted off to sleep. He looked deep into my eyes awaiting my response. I was taken aback by the thought process and the emotion that he was feeling at that moment. I whispered back to him that I really loved that Grover doll so much and even though my friend's little brother pulled that string hard enough to break his talking Grover voice, I still kept him all these years because he was so special to me. He smiled, but not completely satisfied with my answer, he continued. "But maybe next year, you could ask Santa for another Grover with a pull string. Maybe the elves could make you a new one that talks just like yours used to." "Maybe." I said. "But I still love my Grover, even though he doesn't talk anymore." He smiled again and gave me a big hug and kiss. We said goodnight and I left the room. Only moments later, I heard him snoring on the monitor.

I cannot stop thinking about new beginnings, clean slates, change and second chances lately. It's hard not to when it's a huge part of my life as it stands right now. Maybe that is what Santa represents for our children. It's a chance for new toys, new ideas, new games and new challenges. In the case of Grover, it's a possibility of a second chance for a talking Grover doll!! A new year also brings another chance for change and new ideas! How exciting. I am not sure if you can sense my tone of sarcasm or not. Trust me, it's there. Clean slate. New Beginnings. Hmmmm.... It's not so scary anymore as it is annoying to me now. It's feelings of uncertainty and feeling like I am going in the wrong direction that makes it the most annoying. As everyone around me was making their new years resolutions, I was going down my list of possibilities and realizing I had no resolutions for the new year. I was unable to commit to anything in my own mind.

Then this week, full of possibilities, crazy schedules, birthday parties, planning, dentist appointments and swim class swacked me upside the head with the obvious. I know I write and talk about my children a lot, but truly, my heart's focus is on them. No matter what the world throws at me, I am centered by the smiles of my boys. And so in the face of uncertainty in my life and through my recent feelings of unimportance and sarcasm, I bust through with my truest of true resolution; to be there for my children as they are there for me. Through the crazy this week, it was a realization of the routine moments that hit me hard. A little tiny hand always automatically reaches up for mine as we walk side by side in our hallway, at school, in the store. Random, out-of-the-blue thoughts said out loud of "I love you Mommy." The other night in the car on the way to a birthday party, Charlie told me he really liked being with me. I watched in awe of my little 4 year old as he and my husband played and rolled around the other day. What a special moment that was for them and I was lucky enough to look on. I was amazed when I actually paid attention at how much I really laughed out loud this week. With comments like "Actually Daddy, I'm not back in business." and "I can't take it anymore. I'm dying over here I am just so thirsty." and after I told Kyle I thought he was cute, he non excitedly said "Yay. My Mom thinks I'm cute." I never knew that it was actually a cartridge in a pear tree and that Indiana Jones is actually an Indian. Hug after hug and laugh after laugh, my children make me the happiest I have ever been.

So I have made up my mind and decided my new years resolution is to SUCK IT UP! Even among all of the smoke and mirrors around me, the crap, the paths unknown and that feeling of self-unimportance, I will just simply enjoy the happy routine, the laughing and little hands reaching for mine. For one day, my children will break up with me and the routine will be so different. My dream career will wait for me.

As I sit here thinking of all the tasks I need to be doing right now to prepare for Kyle's sixth birthday party tomorrow, I had to take a moment in between headaches to kick out a word or two as it is my therapy. After this week and this day and a good talk with a dear friend, I needed a session. So thank you, as always for reading, supporting and humoring me. Some day, I will be able to write for a living. For now, I will take pleasure in the joy right in front of me.