As the winter storms are raging, temperatures are dipping below zero and we are stocking up on moisturizing lotions by the barrel, amazing things are happening right before my very eyes that warm every particle of my being.
All of this nasty weather has caused our local schools to close or delay one day after another and require me to work from home to be with the boys. It has been a bit frustrating having to call into work to tell them I will not be present yet another day while everyone else still has to drive in the fairly dangerous conditions. Putting that weird conundrum of feeling guilty and bad about work aside, I have been able to bond with my children during this time of my life when I have needed it the most. Feelings of importance and strict prioritizing have become so clear to me.
I do not think the boys really know what to make of all this time home with Mommy. "I'm home with her, I'm at school, I am back home with her, it's Saturday, no...wait, it's Tuesday....right? Is it? Are we going to school tomorrow?" It's all pretty confusing. Even for me. My little guys who are now 4 and 6 have been instilling a feeling of excitement and rejuvenation in me lately. I am not sure whether it's all the extra time indoors with them, the "no school thrill" or just me not being suppressed by the confines and stresses of being physically present in my current "work situation." I think the distance and absence from the toxins is another positive contributor to my recent state of joy.
For me, it is and should be all about little (clean) fingers in the cookie batter and small bodies climbing up on a big chair to stand on in order to reach the counter to help me make dinner. This week provided me with many gifts of moments like those and others like Charlie's tiny hands holding my face and with his big brown eyes looking into mine, he said "Mommy, you're sooooo cute and your pajamas are so soft." The excited childhood squeal of my six year old when the new Lego set we had ordered came in. Left over from birthday/Christmas returns, this was what he wanted, but had to wait for it to come back into stock. He waited....and waited. When the email finally said it shipped, he counted down every single day. When he woke up in the morning, he would promptly tell me how many days were left until it was delivered. Telling you I was welling up with tears of my own excitement to see how elated he was the night it showed up on our doorstep early, probably does not even give you the depth of what I was feeling at that moment. He shouted "Thank You's" and "Oh My Goodness's" and could not wait another moment to open the box.
The past few weeks will hold memories for me of piggy back rides in 23 inches of snow, teamwork of shoveling the driveway together, sledding, snow angels, time with good friends, random "I love you's" and "I missed you's", puzzles, baking, drawing and coloring pictures. My description would also not be complete without including the incredible amount of time that two boys could possibly play with Legos! Please do not misunderstand me, it has been hairy at times with the typical meltdowns, tears and tug-o-wars over parts and pieces of toys, books or an invasion of their own quiet moments alone with a toy. I truly must admit, I had trials and tribulations (meltdowns) of my own at times. Conference calls while poopie bottoms run out of the bathroom and shouts of frustration are heard in the background because Kyle knocked down a piece of the family room tent we had built earlier. Phone interviews that had to include an explanation of why I needed to continue to put the call on hold to tend to a light saber versus full glass of milk or referee a battle of whether Luke Skywalker could wear Han Solo's Lego pants or not. I have to confess, sometimes all I heard in some of those meetings was Charlie Brown's teacher.
Words and actions mean so much. My children set the precedence for what words really mean for me. I know which ones I can take at face value and which ones they are spewing out at me to get a rise. This is more than I can expect of some adults in my life. I also adore how they use their whole body to tell a story or express their emotion; the shrugged shoulder walk of disappointment, the excited arms and hands flailing around and the jumping up and down in a thrilling moment. They are shy, they are cute, they are impossible, they are restless, they are happy, they are fearless, they are funny, they are cranky, they are sad, they are active and they are relaxed. In their most innocent ways, they are real in every moment. They do not truly know awkward or inappropriate just yet. They just feel and react and love with everything they are. I needed to be closer to them, to knowing, to understanding, to feeling and just being with them. Mother Nature awarded me this invaluable gift of unavoidable closeness and bonding this past week and a half (I hear there may be more nasty weather in store for this week and next) and I am eternally grateful.
With every breath I take, (asthma riddled and all) I love my little boys more and more. So for now, I am soaking in the subtle changes and growth of their little bodies, their expressions and their construction of thoughts. I realize the challenge will continue as I try to balance the work, the weather issues and being completely present with my children, but as long as feety pajamas, thumb wrestling and cuddling are some of the main priorities in this house, we will be happy...and warm this winter.
You completely inspire me...
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