Monday, February 7, 2011

Cleansing


The other day, I was driving along the highway through the brown slushy mess that Mother Nature left behind. There was a truck in front of me that was kicking up all that muck into the air and right at my windshield. It was a dark, dreary day and I was driving to my Doctor's appointment to figure out why I have been having episodes of breathing problems. In that moment, I was feeling rushed, stressed and overwhelmed. As I drove, it started getting brighter and though it was still bitter cold and wet, the sun started to peek through the clouds. Don't get me wrong, it was not as if the clouds parted and the big beautiful, yellow sun shown down on me like a ray from God or anything. But a rainbow appeared right in front of my car; probably from the mist of the dirty slush that was spraying at me from the truck in front. The sun hit that muddy water just right and created a beautiful speck of rainbow for me to enjoy the whole rest of the way to my appointment. Some of the stress lifted for me. Through the filth, dirt and muddy snow, there was this wash of clean that shown through, making me see some beauty in all that mess; the mess on the road that day as well as in my own head.

I think I need to notice more rainbows in my days. I feel like there ARE rainbows to notice every day. But I just need to actually SEE them....notice them.....appreciate them.

The snow storms have been frequent this winter causing one school delay or cancellation after another. My children have been climbing the walls needing, wanting, demanding fresh air and a change of pace. We have worked together on more lessons of sharing, learning new games, perfecting old ones and creating beautiful works of art. There has been time to clean and organize rooms and old clothes. The boys and I also went through their older toys they do not play with anymore and picked which ones we should donate to other kids who might need them more. I felt ok cleaning out these toys and organizing. It helped me to have a clearer focus once it was done. The house was clean and organized and though it was hard on the boys to let go of some of their special toys, we all liked the new arrangement of a clean playroom and space for them to have new adventures. I think part of the process of cleaning anything in our life is a feeling of letting go of the old and being ok with moving forward.

And so, I found that I am more in tune with the process of cleansing and what it means to me, my house, my mind and my life and being able to move forward. My boys are just trying to be more focused on cleaning the table, cleaning up their Legos and the intricacies of brushing their teeth. How proud they are when they have completed the task. Smelling the Huuuuh, Huuuuh of freshly brushed minty fresh teeth, big grins to show off those clean pearly whites and the aromatic scents of cleanliness from the Sponge Bob pump soap to prove that hand washing actually did take place. This is what it means for them to cleanse, to let go of the dirt and plaque. Ahhh, to be a kid.

Last week, our house started to leak because of the heavy snow on our roof. It has been a scary, out of control feeling for both my husband and I. Water spots appearing in different areas of the ceilings and walls. Streams of water seeping through our windows and doors. Buckets propped up and old panty hose filled with rock salt hanging from our roof. (our neighbors thought we were losing our minds -- until they realized what exactly we were doing with those "socks.") My clean and newly organized office/playroom would now be a storage area for all of the items I had to remove from our attic. I was forced to go through all of the baby toys and clothes I was holding onto for sentimental reasons. I suppose I did not think I would be going through all of these items so soon after my children had just finished using them. I was going through the motions of removing each card board box and transferring toys into big plastic bins to protect them from water damage. I was on autopilot and finally stopped to catch my breath. I looked around the disorganized mess in my office and as my eyes crossed over each section, I realized how fast time had gone by already. The baby swing, the booster seat, the little giraffe that Kyle played with non stop when he was a toddler. It was all now just in a big messy pile in the middle of my office. At that instant, my heart had just caught up with my brain and I fell apart. Nearly falling to the floor in exhaustion and emotion, my husband caught me in his arms and held me so tight. Through the tears, as my laughing children ran up and down the hallway, I explained to my husband my Mommy-misery in that moment. As I think back now, I realize it was a cleansing moment for me. A moment of timing and realization. It was my muddy rainbow for the day and I was able to have special cuddle time with my boys a few minutes later.

Now, even though our house looks like a storage facility, couches, chairs and the TV are moved in odd places so as to not catch any water, pictures have been taken down off the walls and more buckets are on the ready, I am being cleansed by throwing things away. The non essentials are really becoming more and more clear to me. We all have our ways of cleansing or helping ourselves feel OK with the world and surging forward. Charlie holds tight to his stuffed hippo; "Baby Luke" and stuffed puppy; "Baby Leah" in his times of need. Kyle loves his soft feety pajamas and two pillows propped up just right at bedtime. I now find myself trying to let go of hard expectations of myself, find time for my outlets like writing, creating new friendships and cherishing old ones and of course, throwing away clutter; the real stuff and emotional junk. The sound of my boys laughing is THE most immediate way to cleanse my soul for sure.

So, we live in this healthy moment, clean of bad thoughts and negative energy. We are staying as dry and warm as we can. We laugh. We play. We try to breathe (though difficult at times). And we are here now with each other clearing away the daily dirt and plaque in our lives, letting go of the old and being ok with moving forward in search of our daily muddy rainbow.

2 comments:

  1. Your stories always touch my heart, Patti...

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  2. I've had very similar sad experiences in the past but I never thought there
    were so many great lessons to learn from such cleansings! I will have to
    keep that in mind for the next time!
    Nice job:)

    ReplyDelete