Innocence

There is nothing like a fresh pressed kissed on your cheek from someone that is one of the be-all, end-all people in your world; your sun, moon and stars. This tiny little gesture means so much and gives a warm feeling inside. The little lip puckered push against the side of your face makes you feel loved and makes you feel safe. As adults, we tend to let the moment slip away and we move on with what we were about to do before the peck. But what do my children do? Without much thought, a quick automatic flow of motion of the palm of their hand presses in the smooch so tight. They don't want it to blow away! "Push it in Mommy! Before it goes away! Quick!" The moment means the world to them. The kiss is their way to show this overflow of feelings. You must take that seriously. If only I could think like this.

I say it all the time, how much my children teach me. But the innocence that exudes from their daily habits and thoughts is amazing to me and I want to learn. I hope I am teaching them about common sense and factual information about this world. But in so many ways, I want to reverse my "adultarian" attitude and look at life from their hearts; their gigantic, innocent, full of true love hearts.

My children are truest of true in situations like when they collapse on the dining room floor because they are honestly losing the battle of tired versus awake. "I want tacos!" "I don't want tacos. I wanted milk." "I don't want milk!" "Can I have dessert?" At the end of these types of meltdowns, I find that sometimes I wish I was crying and stamping my feet right with them. But I am the adult keeping composure and patience. Come on, don't you wish you would just give in to the dragon inside you sometimes and just let it all out even if it did not make any sense to anyone else but you?

I love it when the little amazements creep out of my children's thoughts like someone left the door open a crack and I can see the small line of light from the next room. It's a small peek into their sweet & innocent brain playroom. They didn't mean to let me in, but there I am soaking it all in until they realize and slam the door shut. Like tonight, Kyle was so excited to tell me that he knows where the North Pole is. He was so proud and happy about his knowledge about something so important. "Santa lives near Madeline and Dakota. We walk there from their house at Christmas time when we go to tell him what we want for Christmas." He went on with his grand thoughts and details about how cool it is that he lives near us and that it's really not as far away as everyone says. Charlie sat in awe with those big eyes of his fixed on Kyle and hanging on every word that fell out of his mouth about the subject. I was right there with them, in their world of believing this magical place being right here in our very town. There I was in Kyle's brain-playroom. I was in and instead of copping a squat and staying a while, I opened my mouth. In my Mommyness adult-like nature, the door was slammed shut on me when I began to tell them that the North Pole really is far away, that Santa only visits our town at Christmas and meets us at the firehouse near Madeline and Dakota's house each year. I related to him and expressed my true understanding of his ideas. But it was too late and inside, I felt like I was destroying a little bit of innocent childhood thinking.

I believe that singing and laughing are qualities of our childhood that stick around if we let them. They must be the strongest of the traits because as we keep those, we tend to lose and completely forget the others. Today, Kyle and Charlie were playing together and in their own way, added their own soundtrack to those moments of my observation. It wasn't fighting or arguing over a toy, but a sort of music to my ears as they both hummed and sang out little bits and pieces of a song I had never heard before. It was the most beautiful melody I had ever heard and it made me laugh out loud. I think it was actually a few songs all mixed up together and only they knew the words. Who says we need to sing just one song that everyone would know? Kyle was even singing little tunes under his breath as we walked through the grocery store today. Not loud, not obnoxious....just a little sing-song that only he knew. It was precious to me and helped me groove through the aisles a little easier with my little helper.

I don't know, I suppose I just wish I was not as tainted with less than magical thoughts for the majority of my days. So yet again, I am setting out to learn more lessons from my children. To just jump into the snow drifts & make snow angels, to give validation to those thoughts that first come to my mind and to sing my own little tunes throughout my day. Although, I do have to admit that experiencing heart ache, loss, disappointment, pain and fear in my life has definitely given me even more opportunities to appreciate the greatest joys of living; simple moments of singing, tender night time cuddling, laughing, bear hugs, watching Modern Family (the best show on TV) and being invited back to the brain-playroom every once in a while.


(In Loving Memory of Irene Szczesiul; a woman who gave her whole heart and soul to her Husband, Children, Family & Friends. We will miss you on this earth.)